Most of us are acutely aware of our own struggles and we are preoccupied with our own problems. We sympathize with ourselves because we see our own difficulties so clearly. But Ian MacLaren noted wisely, “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.”

I didn’t plan to post anything but my “Things” post this weekend, but something happened on Thursday and Friday that made me feel the need to write this. I generally try to keep things light and personally related to me on Karacooks. But this subject hurt my heart.

On Thursday I made (admittedly) a rather pissy negative comment on a blog whose author posted some serious fat hate, along with a blanket condemnation of all fast food as being (paraphrased) the 7th level of hell. She retaliated by writing an entire followup blog post lecturing me on how I’m the model for fat acceptance, misquoting me, and basically just going to town on how I’m an ignorant idiot and she’s right. I’m not going to say who or link to it because I’ve unsubscribed to that blog and ultimately it doesn’t matter.

What I want to say is this. I’ve been fat. Very very very fat. I’m 5’4″ and I once weighed 267 lbs. I probably weighed more, but there was a long period that I didn’t step on the scales. The first time I weighed myself as part of a conscious decision to lose weight, I had been going to the gym and eating well for about 4 weeks and that scale said 267, so I go with that for my start weight.

I lost 100 lbs. I gained some of it back (20 lbs). I lost again and then gained a little back again. Right now I”m in the process of losing again and getting back to working out on a more regular basis.

I know what it’s like to be fat. I know what it’s like to see people staring at you, judging what’s in your shopping cart, judging when you put food in your mouth or sip from a can of soda (even if it’s diet soda and sometimes especially if it’s diet soda). I know what it’s like to have to ask for the belt extender on the airplane. To not fit into the theater seats. To not be able to bend over to tie my shoe and instead have to prop my foot up on the table and huff and puff. I know how embarrassing it is to go shopping with slim, fit friends and not be able to try on the same clothes in the same store.

I remember a humiliating conversation with a size 2 friend of mine who had just advised a room full of photographers to dress a certain way. Someone in the audience had asked her “what do you do if the stores you shop at don’t sell those kinds of clothes?” Later she asked me “what was that person talking about?” and I had to explain to her that the clothes that were available for the size 24 me were vastly, drastically different than the clothes available for the size 2 her – and that designer jeans rarely went above size 10-12. She was floored and we were both embarrassed.

I have been called horrible names for being fat. I have been told that my past boyfriends and lovers were the type to (and I quote) “throw flour and f*** the wet spots”. Trust me, I’ve heard and experienced all of the fat hate that it’s possible to experience.

I don’t accept fat. I don’t believe in the “healthy at any size” mantra. I don’t think being fat is healthy physically or emotionally for anyone. But I KNOW the pain of being fat and not knowing how to get out of it. I know how hard it is to take that first step, to say no when someone offers you a food you love, to get out there and exercise when you are uncoordinated and you sweat just changing into your gym clothes. To go to a gym and feel that everyone is staring at you saying “how dare SHE come here” or “what does she think she’s accomplishing with her walking on the treadmill”.

I believe in being honest and direct. If your friend is eating fast food 4x a week and complaining that she just can’t lose weight – then yes, absolutely, say something. Gently and with kindness, but honestly. Tell them that you can’t lose weight eating a double cheesburger and fries 4x a week. If someone is fooling themselves by eating strawberry shortcake and claiming “but it’s good for me – it’s fruit” – be direct with them. Tell them, you’re lying to yourself and deep inside you know it. If someone is following fad diet after fad diet and not being real about what they’re doing, call them out – with KINDNESS.

But I don’t believe that ANYONE should ever ever ever ever be shamed for being fat. Ever. Being fat is hard. Changing your whole life to not be fat is hard. You have to choose your hard when you’re ready.

And you know what, eating a grilled chicken sandwich at Wendy’s isn’t going to make anyone fat.